WEEDING OUT THE AARON IN ME

The gathering on Sunday at the "Cheyenne House" was something I have been anticipating since the second we all waved good-bye to the McDaniel’s and walked out of the airport. What would this first gathering feel like? What will we do? As we talked throughout the week everyone agreed it would be mainly fellowship and maybe some worship and prayer, but we had no agenda.

Sunday afternoon rolled around and as people arrived the fellowship commenced and it was good…real good. The laughing, the stories, the connecting is something I really needed. I was content with the fellowship. Then we decided to do some worship, so we all gathered in the worship room and we began to worship. The worship itself was great. I felt bad for Jacqui and Kara who had to carry those of us who are “vocally challenged” through each song, but it was nice and so familiar; comfortable. As the worship continued my mind began to wander and churn and I found myself uncomfortable with the “non-organization” of it all. Will we always “just wing it” in our gatherings each week? Will we ever have an agenda? Will we ever “call” for group prayer time or will we just be “led by the spirit” if He leads that way? All of these questions began flying through my head and as we ended the evening without prayer time or any “organized” dismissal or proclamation that we were done for the evening, I began to panic! On the drive home I was confused about how I could be so content spending time with these people I love so dearly, yet feel so unsettled and feeling as if I was a “fish-out-of-water”. As my mind churned, the Lord began to answer my questions. He began to reveal the Aaron in me.

Exodus 32 tells the story about when Moses was on the mountain getting the instructions from God while Aaron was left behind with the people of Israel. When Moses did not come back right away, everyone began getting nervous and pressured Aaron into making a golden calf for them to worship. Aaron bowed to the pressure and made the idol. Now, I must confess, every time I hear this story I think “what are they tripping out about? Moses is on the mountain with GOD! He will be back, it is all cool! If I had been there, I would not freak out like that”. Needless to say, I am currently in a little more of a position to understand where they were coming from! The Lord has been showing me that these people had just been taken away from the only life they had ever known and led into the desert. Though it had been a life of slavery, it was still the only life they had ever known. It was their “comfort zone”. They had to wait in the desert for a leader they were not sure was even coming back and so, they began to panic and drift back to the things they knew and were comfortable with. Old habits and ways die hard! This is what I am discovering in my own life right now. I read Exodus 32 and I can relate to how Israel felt, I can identify with Aaron and the pressure he felt. I have been in organized church my entire life. I have been an ACTIVE youth worker for 9 years. I was a youth worker who poured HOURS of my life into the development and running of programs. Church and youth ministry are deeply ingrained in me; I never realized just how deep they are. The Lord is showing me that church and youth ministry has been my golden calf!

I NEED to be organized! I REALLY LIKE having a “game plan”. I am NOT a “fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants” type person. Organized church fit me like a glove because it has programs that need to be developed and run. I did that in the youth ministry and I liked it! Church has order and hierarchy. I like order, it keeps me calm, and it helps me to understand my role. Church is planned and laid out; all you need to do is find out where you fit. You are praised and encouraged for how hard you work and how much time and energy you sacrifice for the running of church. It is addictive for someone like me. So, this new life I have chosen; that God called me out of for a purpose that is unclear to me right now, is very hard. Weeding out the Aaron in me means I am trying to pull out the desire, the programmed need to “have a plan”, the programmed need to “know what is around the next corner”, the programmed need to approach my relationship with God by allotting specified amounts of time for worship, prayer and study of the Word, the programmed need to have an agenda when we gather on Sunday’s and the programmed need to know right now what “church” will look like for me and my family. These “programmed needs” have been fed, praised and encouraged for so long that it is clear now that God needs to “deprogram” me. Maybe that is why He is having me wait for direction right now. My desire to control everything needs to be broken down. Please pray for me that I will allow God to weed out the Aaron in me and teach me to wait PATIENTLY on Him for direction. It is amazing that even things that we TRULY do for God can so easily slip into sin. It was never my desire to make church an idol, but slowly; over time it can easily pop over the line. Sometimes we can be pulled back gently and sometimes God needs to yank us back hard. At least He cares enough to yank at all!