MORE THAN SHAPING YOUNG MINDS

When our community, Haverim, gathered and discussed where we thought God was leading us, it was interesting and exciting to learn that though we are all SO different, it was unanimous that our marriages, our families as a unit and our kids were all number one priority! One of the ways we decided as a group to place higher focus on our children was to mentor each others children. When I have told people outside our “immediate” community about this they always think it is so cool. Having been a mentor before, I understand the benefits and necessity of kids having a Godly role model OTHER than their parents in their lives, but as I have pondered what we have undertaken here I cannot help but just praise God for this unique opportunity!

Being a mentor to a child through a church or a non-Christian based program has so many wonderful things to offer kids, especially kids who have a difficult home life. The value of these programs is, truthfully, priceless! However, as I have been thinking about our situation, talking to the people active in our Haverim community and seeking God’s face on how to guide this endeavor, I am completely blown away by the “uniqueness” and the incredible opportunity to have SIGNIFICANT impact on people’s lives.

Unlike the many church and community programs out there, we have greater potential to grow deeper, richer and more transparent relationships not only with the child we mentor, but with their family. The higher potential in that lies in the commitment we have made to each other as a group. Regardless of our individual issues, the baggage we carry and all the little annoying habits we have, we have vowed to stick with each other through thick and thin. Some of us may be “higher maintenance” than others, but that is ok because we genuinely LOVE each other and are learning to look beyond the issues and love the child of God that each of us is! The coolest part of this is that this love carries over into every single member of this community, regardless of age. We have the potential to develop ties that are as tight, or for some of us, tighter than blood!

With this potential in mind and the fact that our Haverim community has taken such great strides in building deep, honest and unconditional love bonds for each other, the vision I see for our kids is truly astounding! Not only will our children learn by example and participation about how to develop meaningful relationships with good, solid communication, but they are being embraced by a whole community of people who care deeply about every aspect of their lives AND their families lives. Our children will get the amazing benefits of having a mentor, but as a bonus, they are getting an entire community of people who want to see each one of them grow into confident, bold followers of Christ and amazing human beings. You cannot put a price tag on that!

I don’t know exactly where God is taking this Haverim community or how mentoring each others children will actually work out, but the POTENTAL is endless. I, personally, am excited about what God has dropped in our laps. I am eager to pour everything I have to offer into my own children, my mentee (Amanda) and ALL the children who make up our Haverim community. We are growing this new generation in a unique way; at least in a way I have never heard of before! I think if we continue to seek God’s face, continue to be fully dedicated to our families and each other, we are going to see God move in this community; both adults and kids! Thank you Lord!

CLEAN WINDOWS!

Today I spent a good 2-2 1/2 hours cleaning the windows in the front part of my house. I have 12 windows just in the living area of my home. This window pictured is 1 of 8 huge picture windows that give a panoramic view of the back part of our property and the surrounding countryside. The view is gorgeous....when the windows are clean!

I truly do not clean my windows unless we are having a large fellowship or someone is visiting who has not seen my house before! I HATE cleaning my windows, as you might imagine, simply because it takes me 2-3 hours to do JUST the front area of my house! I still have 10 other windows throughout my house that I have not touched yet because the front part of the house wears me out!

Even though I hate the act of cleaning my windows, when I finish and gaze through them out to the beauty beyond I soak in all I have missed since the last time I cleaned my windows. If you think about it, the dirt, dog nose smudges, finger prints and rain drop spots all work together to distort the view through the window. Dirty windows are so ugly when the light hits them just right and all you see is the filth and the beauty beyond is forgotten because all we concentrate on is how dirty the window is. When surprise guests arrive and I know my windows are filthy I often close the blinds and hide them, not allowing people to see the view from my dirty windows. I also get very frustrated when I clean my windows because they never stay clean for long. It seems like not 5 minutes goes by before a dog smudges the glass with thier nose, or the kids put their hands on the glass as they exit the sliding glass door! In order to have the perfect view, I would have to clean my windows daily!

The Lord spoke to me today as I worked diligently to clean my windows. He said "isn't it funny how our lives are just like these dirty windows?" As I thought about that, I had to agree. Like the beautiful views out my window, so is Christ! He is beautiful and he wants us to experience him, soak him in and share him with others. We are the windows to all Jesus Christ has to offer! As we allow this window of Christ to get dirty and smudged with sin, character issues, anger, defensiveness and the list rolls on, we distort the view of Christ for others. They are unable to look past our filth and see the beauty of Christ that lies just on the other side of the glass. We need to allow Christ to come in and clean our windows and get us shiney and beautiful again. It is a daily task, heck sometimes it has to be a minute-by-minute task!

These past several months I have recognized the value of allowing Christ to come into my life and clean my windows. He has shown me some real "ugly spots" in my life that probably have distracted others from seeing Christ in me. These "cleaning sessions" have not been fun, but as the smudges, dirt and spots are rubbed away I feel Christ shining through me more and more. I want to proudly show others the view of Jesus Christ through the clean window of ME! I won't always be perfect and, just as my dogs quickly smudge up my windows at home, so I will smudge up the window which shows Christ. However, like any good home owner, Christ will always come back and clean me up again. The question is...do I want my windows clean? Am I willing to sacrifice time and energy to do the "maintenance" needed to keep the view of Christ through me clear and beautiful? Lord, help me get into the habit of asking myself these questions DAILY!

A YEAR OF HARD LESSONS

1 Corinthians 13

Love Is the Greatest

1 If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3 If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

8 Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! 9 Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! 10 But when full understanding comes, these partial things will become useless.

11 When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. 12 Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

13 Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.

Over the past year, this passage has been the focus of my growth and obedience to the Lord. He gave me this passage early on in 2006 to ponder, to study and put into action. This passage has challenged me to give unselfishly and to give everything the Lord has blessed Steve and me with back to Him to bring glory to HIS name. It has been a hard year of learning how to love people in such a way that you do it strictly out of love for them as a child of God and never expect anything in return. It has been a lesson of learning to trust the Lord that He knows what he is doing and continue to love people the way He has instructed me to no matter what the outcome is.

Sending the Lugo’s off to Hawaii yesterday was extremely difficult and demonstrating this kind of love to them over the past 10 years and especially over the past year has really helped me to understand this passage. However, today, the day after they left, has been a day of continued spiritual learning. I am so emotionally exhausted that I went to bed at 7 pm last night and did not wake up until 8:15am this morning. I really needed the Lord this morning, so I sat down for a quiet time and I was taken immediately back to 1 Corinthians 13 and the Lord revealed a new lesson for me, one I had skimmed over and never thought much about up to now. In verse 13 it says “Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.” I was expecting Him to have a gentle word for me to ease me through today which has been very hard so far, but there was no such luck. He spoke to me through verse 13 by asking me the question “what is your hope in regards to the Lugo’s going to Hawaii?”. As I thought this through I realized that I have faith that the Lord has called them to Hawaii and I have loved them in all the ways this passage commands, but what IS my hope? I was immediately uncomfortable and knew what the answer was, but He confirmed it when I called Candace to finalize the plans for Maddie’s trip. Once Candace and I were done she quickly handed the phone off to Joseph and my “unconscious hope” was revealed. Deep down in the pit of my soul I wanted Joseph to sound sad when he talked to me, but he wasn’t. He was happy and upbeat. I wanted to hear him say they were having a hard time like I was today, but they weren’t. I even heard everybody laughing in the background. The kids were fine. Ashley was having a blast with Parker, John was in a great mood and Kara was perfectly fine. They had not even been there a full day and Joseph already has a lead on where to plug in with youth in Hawaii and minister with them. Okay, reality check: They will be fine and happy in Hawaii, without me and without Vacaville! That was very hard to hear today.

I can’t say I TRULY love the Lugo’s or the McDaniel’s if deep down I want to hear them say they are miserable and want to come back. Verse 7 says “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” My “hope” for all of them needs to shift from a self-centered hope of return (even if it is years down the road) to a “hope” of their continued obedience to God and for me to do what is right as a friend to encourage them when the days of doubt attack them, to assure them of my love and friendship on the days they feel alone and abandoned and even if they reach a point and say “did I make a mistake?”, I need to say in all truthfulness that though I miss them terribly, they are where they need to be for this time and this season. Only then will the lesson on TRUE love spoken in 1 Corinthians 13 be realized in my life. Hard lesson for a hard day!

It has been hard to read the blogs of my friends and hear them share their struggles. These are indeed hard times. For some of us it is financial for others it is spiritual and for others still it may be relational, but the reality is we are all going through something. God is stretching all of us in different ways and we can find some comfort in the fact that we are not alone in our challenges.

Today, my heart is heavy yet again. I don’t know about you, but I tend to go through phases. For a week or so everything will be good and things will appear they are ironing out, but then the next week things get hard again. I have gone for a good stretch of not being too concerned about anything, but I think I have a natural tendency to put blinders on at times and “disconnect” giving myself the illusion that everything is good. Today, the reality of where I am has resurfaced and the Lord wants me to, AGAIN, attempt to begin working through this. What is that reality? That reality can be summed up in a well known phrase: “I am like a fish out of water”.

This transition we have all been going through for several months now has been extremely difficult for me. On the one hand I know the choices I have made are correct and that is not the issue, the problem is where does God want me now? Anyone who knows me even a little bit knows that I don’t like change. I am not very adventurous and unlike the rhino who will charge ahead full speed even though he can only see a very short distance in front of him, I tend to panic when I do not know what is around the next curve. To further hammer this point across, I am not a roller coaster fan and I don’t like to be scared. I like familiarity, I like a plan and I would be content to live life in the same place and with the same people throughout my whole life. There has been so much change over the past several months that I am still feeling overwhelmed. I am desperately clinging to a season of my life that I don’t want to release. A year ago I was confident and I knew what I had been called to do. I was very comfortable with the people in my sphere of contact and what made it even better is that I loved them whole heartedly and it made the hours of work easier and I counted it as a blessing from God to have so much fun while serving Him.

To be perfectly honest with you, I have no idea where I fit in anymore. I have a new circle of friends and my walk with the Lord is taking me into completely new territory. I feel like I am walking through fog and cannot see even 5 feet in front of me. I have to start over and build new relationships and release the old comfortable ones. I feel completely loved and supported, but I feel like I have been hurled back to square one.

The development of the band as a new ministry outreach opportunity is awesome and in many ways I am very excited about it. However, I am entering a group of people that already have a history together. It seems like everyone but me has a solid connection with each other. Most of this group worked together before at FBC through the worship ministry and some of the ladies had an even deeper connection when the hiking group was in full swing. My only solid connection is with Mark and Susie (and my husband, of course). Not only do I need to start all over again with building new friendships and ministry relationships; I don’t have the musical connection the rest of the group has. I don’t play an instrument, I don’t sing well, I know nothing about bands, I don’t dance, I don’t act, I am completely out of my comfort zone. The group has graciously given me the one job where I KNOW what I am doing and that is the worker bee/gopher job. I know it is vital, important and well appreciated, but again it is new and I have not found my “groove” yet. Everything I was trained and nurtured in over the past 9+ years is just gone; I have nothing from that season of my life left. I feel exactly the way I felt 9+ years ago when I set foot in the VCS gym for my first Wednesday Night Youth program (Crossculture was still 2 years away from getting off the ground). I walked in and I was one of maybe 6 white people and every youth I encountered seemed to look right through me and not even see me. The only person I knew (and did not know well yet) was Joseph. I remember going home that night and literally crying and asking God if he was sure this was the ministry I was supposed to work in. I was scared and completely insecure. I don’t feel exactly like that now, but those memories of my first few months in the youth ministry have been floating through my mind a lot lately. So much of what I know and am confident with is finished. Joseph and Denise have been my mentors for almost 10 years now and once they are gone that part of my life is truly finished. I have relied on them so heavily for spiritual guidance and now I do not have that security to fall back on. Soon, I will need to let this old, comfortable friendship loose and begin opening myself up to allow new friendships to grow. In this new season of life and ministry I need to figure out where I fit in and what role I am supposed to play. I remember how much work it was when I first started in the youth ministry. It was hard and heart breaking at times. Lord, do I really need to start from square one again? It is so hard to let go of a past that is not only comfortable and familiar, but one that I LOVED!

I hope nobody gets the impression that I do not fully love all of you or that I am not looking forward to what the future holds for this group of friends and the new ministry we will do together. All of you are so amazing and I feel completely loved and accepted by everyone. I just feel like the new kid on the block. My mind is full of questions: where do I fit in? In what seems like a HUGE SEA of reasons I am so different from the rest of you, where is the common thread that will pull me in? Do I have ANYTHING to offer this group? Going from Joseph’s right hand person where I KNEW where and how I was needed back to square one has been very difficult for me. Letting the past go and looking forward with excitement to the future has been a struggle for me. The Lord showed me Luke 9:62 today and it says: But Jesus told him, “Anyone who puts a hand to the plow and then looks back is not fit for the Kingdom of God”. I have and still am looking back and I need to move on from this to be of any use to the Kingdom. I know what I need to do, but it is slow to materialize. My one hope is that I remember how scared and uncertain I was when I first became a youth worker and look how awesome that season was! The ministry was amazing and the friendship I built with Joseph, Denise and others are ones I treasure so much that it physically hurts me sometimes because I love them so much. My prayer is that with this new season we are going into, where I feel so out of place right now, it will grow into another season of amazing ministry and the building of friendships that can withstand anything. Please be patient with me as I begin to release the past and embrace the future. I am not fishing for complements or words of reassurance; this is just where I am right now. I love all of you and please keep me in your prayers.

ALLISON & ME












As many of you know, we took a long weekend and went to San Diego to visit my sisters Valerie and Michelle (for those of you who are confused: Michelle is my ex-stepsister who we continue to consider our sister) and to reconnect with some of my old friends. The highlight of my trip actually was our first night in San Diego when we had dinner with my friend Allison who I have known literally since birth! Our mothers were best friends and they were pregnant with us together. Allison was born on July 11th and I was born on July 31st.

As young children, Allison and I were VERY close. We have always been as different as night and day, but we some how always remained best friends. From birth up to about 8th grade we stayed very close and spent a good amount of time together. Once in High school we were always friends, but did not hang out together much. As in the past, but more so once in High School, we were very different. Allison was popular and had completely different friends than me. I was a band geek and really hung out with only one person, my friend Terri. Regardless, Allison was ALWAYS my friend whether we hung out a little or a lot.

Once I left for college we completely lost touch and I have seen her only a handful of times in the last 20 years and I have not seen her or talked to her AT ALL in the past 10 years! I do not know how we slipped out of touch, but we did. When she walked in the door of the restaurant and we saw each other, I just could not stop smiling! The realization of how much I truly missed my friend came flooding down over me. We were surrounded by my family so it was hard to “really talk”, but still the closeness and love I have for Allison has not faded even in the tiniest bit. Seeing her again was like “going home”. Most of my best childhood memories have Allison in them. The hours of playing, riding horses, swimming in the pool, sleeping out in the back of the pick up truck, going to camp together and the list just keeps going and going.

I was not a popular kid in Junior high and I was teased a lot. Allison was in the “in crowd” and considered very cool and had tons of friends. However, Allison never ditched me because I was not in the “cool crowd”. We did not attend the same school, but she always made it clear to her friends that she and I were best friends and that made me feel special during a time when everyone else made me feel inadequate. Even when we had nothing in common, our childhood friendship was the glue that held us together. Do you have a friend like Allison? Do you have someone who stuck up for you when it was not cool for them? Those friends are special and ones you should NEVER let go.

We managed to slip out of touch for 20 years, we slipped out of complete contact for 10 years, and I do not want that to happen again. Thank you Lord for blessing me with the opportunity to reach out to Allison and to re-connect our friendship. This weekend was great and seeing Allison and her mom and dad, who were like my second set of parents, was fantastic! Thank you for allowing me to go down memory lane again with Allison and I pray that we will now move forward in getting to know each other all over again. Thank you for friendships that last a lifetime!

THE TESTIMONY OF A CHILD

Look at this picture of Jessica! This is a picture of Jessica with Samantha about 2 days after her 2nd open heart surgery in July of 2004. In this picture she has 3 chest tubes in her, she has every wire in the world hooked up to her, she is VERY sore and yet she still manages a smile for the picture. This picture captures the topic of this post perfectly!

After I helped Jessica post her blog on Friday about her experience of reaching out to Izzy before her triple by-pass surgery, the Lord really opened my eyes to see my daughter in a new light. I am looking at my 10 year old daughter and I am TRULY understanding how much this child has been through. Within 10 years this child has been through 3 major open heart surgeries (first one was 9 hours long and in the hospital for 2 weeks, the second was 11 hours long and she was in the hospital for 1 week and the third one was around 9 hours long and in the hospital for a week) and she has also had 7 cardiac catheterizations (like an angioplasty), not mention the COUNTLESS tests they do before and after each surgery and cath! I am 38 years old and the only time I have EVER had to stay in a hospital is when Jessica and Samantha were born, that is it! I know this is going to sound awful, but I feel I have become desensitized to some degree of what this child has been through not only physically, but mentally. It is not that I was not emotional, scared or anxious about her heart condition and all the medical stuff she has undergone, but once it is all over and she is home, life just moved on as usual. I have been pondering that in my head and wondering how it is we were able to just move forward with life after going through these things that are not only very traumatic for Jessica, but for her family as well. Then it hit me, we were able to move on pretty easily because Jessica hardly ever complained about ANYTHING. I am not saying it was easy as pie, we did have our challenges, but for the most part she was so easy going. I can honestly say that Jessica has never used her heart condition as an excuse to not try something. When she was recovering from her surgeries she could have "milked" her state to get extra sympathy or to manipulate people to do things for her, but she never did. She never acted like a victim. She did have questions as to why she was this way, there was a time when she was a bit angry at God for her condition and she would periodically have little "pity parties", but they were SO SHORT LIVED! Instead, she has chosen to be positive and look for the good in the life she has been given. She is one of the most optimistic people I have ever met and this child works hard for everything she wants. She is such a blessing!

My prayer is that the Lord will continue to teach me how to take life as it comes with optimism and joy. Sometimes we are dealt a pretty difficult hand in our lives. How often do we whine and complain about how unfair life is? How often do we act like a victim? I know the Lord has used my daughter's testimony to teach me that even in the "rotten" things we have in our lives; we can turn it to glorify Him. Don't let this world beat you down and rob you of your joy. Let testimonies like Jessica's speak to you and give you encouragement to allow Christ to lift your burdens and look at life in a positive light. To see what your life CAN be not what your life is not. Isaiah 40:31 says "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Thank you Lord for giving Jessica to Steve and I. We do not understand why our child has a non-genetic heart defect that has the odds of 1 in 10,000 cases. We do not understand why she was allowed to have this condition. On this journey with Jessica you have shown us how BLESSED we are that she has no limitations, she is not on any medications for life, the likelihood of her living a long and normal life is good and that we live in a country where these kinds of conditions can be fixed. How many families in third world countries or even among the poor in our own country have lost their babies because adequate medical services were unavailable to them? Why were we granted this grace? Why will our child live a long and fairly normal life when other children with the same condition or even less serious conditions die at a young age? Why Lord did you allow us this grace? We do not deserve it any more than anyone else, yet You blessed us in this way. We do not understand Your ways. Even when they work in our favor, we still do not appreciate the scope of your grace. The only way we can thank you is to recognize and accept your grace, then turn around and glorify your name. Lord help Steve and I to continue to teach Jessica that the only way she can thank you for the grace you have shown her is to use her testimony to bring ALL glory to you. To use her experiences not as an excuse to be a victim, but as a way to show how truly awesome you are. Thank you for revealing this truth to me through my beautiful daughter who demonstrates her acceptance of your gift of grace when she does not even fully understand that is what she is doing.

OUR FIRST NEIGHBORHOOD TRAIL RIDE & POTLUCK

On Saturday October 7, 2006 we hosted the first, but hopefully not the last, neighborhood trail ride and potluck. We had a small group both at the ride and potluck, but hey it is a start!

Around 9:30am 3 trucks pulling horse trailers pulled out and were on the road to Pena Adobe park. We had 2 neighbors (Sharon & Carol), myself, Susie and Tracey all saddle up and hit the trails. It was a beautiful day and the horses were great. We rode for about 1 1/2 hours and had a delightful time just enjoying the beauty of the land and the animals we rode and chatting with each other.

After the ride we headed home, cleaned up and got ready for the potluck. We had a total of 8 neighbors, plus my mom and the Helton's come up for a potluck fellowship. We had a wonderful time getting to know each other and hearing about each others lives. Some of the people who came and not been in our house in several years and they had fun checking out all the changes. Candace, they LOVED the colors you chose for the house! Many of them commented on how nice it was to see more than WHITE walls!

I was really hoping more of the neighbors that I did not know at all would come, but I was grateful for the ones who did come and just coming to realize that we have some VERY nice people in our area and I honestly want to spend time with them and get to know them better. I created an album for you to view of the day we had together. Unfortuantely, I had a hard time getting them to run in order. So, they are not in order, but you will get the general feel for the day. The link is http://new.photos.yahoo.com/vckdwsn/albums. Hope you enjoy the pictures!
I hope that future albums will document a steady growth of building community and making new friends. Thank you so much to my friends who have encouraged Steve and I step out and make this day happen. The gathering was not huge, but it was full of great conversation and the laying of a foundation to build relationships on. Thank you Lord!